Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children

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I found out after age 60 , I also have 2 genetic heart conditions and am in late stage heart failure. also like you, I have apologized time and time again, but I won’t do anymore as there is just no point.

Done With The Crying: More Answers and Advice for Beyond Done With The Crying: More Answers and Advice for

Despite the discomfort of feeling angry at adult children, the fear we might have toward our anger, and a history of being told to tamp it down, anger is an important emotion. Feeling anger helps us to recognize danger, spot injustice, and work toward solutions. Some of the biggest advances in history may have started with anger.

The myth of closure

Some parents keep the pain alive by going over it again and again. One mother who has been estranged from her 52-year-old son for nearly thirty years routinely recounts her estrangement story in detail. She regularly relives the pain of the child she raised turning against her, slowly at first, and then with a full force that included insults and public humiliation. This intelligent woman runs a small business, has a devoted husband, and has raised two other successful and loving children whom the estranged son also left behind. She goes about her life with confidence, yet spends much of her quiet time ruminating over the son she lost, questioning how he could do such a thing to his family, and feeling sad.

Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of

How do you feel about your teapot collection that started with the one your mom gave you when you got married? Maybe your now-estranged adult child added pots to the collection over the years. So, donating the pretty pieces you no longer have room for feels like dishonoring your mom—and giving up hope about your relationship with your child. If you want to read more about what some believe motivates society and authority figures (so called “experts”) who tell parents to do this, get my book, Beyond Done With The Crying. Here, we’ll shift and widen to the concept of “weaponized civility.” It’s the idea that shame is heaped upon marginalized populations for the justified anger they feel. Usually, the term is used in connection with attitudes toward people of color and, occasionally, women. But it can apply to groups of any sort who have been oppressed or wronged. Since logic and reasoning don’t work with someone who has dementia, try “distracting and redirecting” instead. and God is a God of comfort, and is familiar with all our ways, so turning to Him helps hugely, I hope our God can encourage you too. In Beyond Done With The Crying, a few parents shared their experiences with anger and the roots that complicated their feelings and responses. These people successfully changed their relationship with anger. You can too. Your turn

An adult child’s rejection hurts.

You get to make choices. Start with some boundaries inside your head. No more failure-centric thinking. No more I’m to blame. No more listening to authority figures, family members, or society telling kind, decent parents that the responsibility—for the fracture and for the repair—lies with them. Refuse the gas lighting, reconcile to the facts, and step courageously forward for yourself. How do you avoid ruminating? Turn your statements and questions around with positive thoughts. I am moving past this. Good things happen in my life. This suggestion may sound trite, but if negative thoughts can produce more negative thoughts, positive thoughts can be as fruitful. Alfonso was certain that his daughter’s past substance abuse, erratic behavior, and argumentative nature had caused her mother’s failing health. Later, he’d seen his wife through years of distress as she’d continued to try to mend the relationship and was rebuffed or ignored every time. His late wife had suffered several major illnesses. His daughter knew about these hospitalizations and surgeries yet had reached out only once—to accuse her mother of faking illness to get attention. Alfonso grieved his wife’s eventual death without his daughter’s presence or support. Until he looked through the old photos, he’d forgotten that at the funeral, he had watched the door, both hoping for and dreading her potential appearance. She hadn’t shown up. What beliefs might you have that affect your ability to move forward despite the estrangement? Pondering the question may be of use. Are you reliving the past? Obviously, I’ve simplified these explanations of the human nervous system and its survival tactics to fit a Halloween theme, but you get the idea. Our well-being depends on our ability to decipher real threats from fake ones. However, even the faux fear fight or flight response to modern day stress can be monstrously harmful if we’re not coping mindfully as advocated for in my books.