Taboo: Fathers and Daughters(Volume 1) (Taboo: Father and Daughters)

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Near the end of the time my parents had joint custody of me I had a stepdad. He took good care of my mom but she went through one of her stages again, so it ended. She had another husband who went crazy and tried to kill her. He was schizophrenic. Then she got with my brother’s dad and they dated for a while but when my brother was born the dad didn’t want anything to do with him, so I helped my mom raise him. Once he was about 3 she got together with my current stepdad and had my baby sister. My brother and I are 9 years apart and my sister is 12 years younger than me. I think of them as my brother and sister, and I also think of them as my babies because I helped raise them. No I won't," she said. She sat up in bed and cradled Bart in her arms. "I like the story; it doesn't scare me." There were a lot of red flags over the course of those two years, moments I’m only now able to recognize as such. But being the daughter of a let’s-look-at-our-vaginas-together feminist who is also a sex historian with a specialization in pedophilia and sex offenders—topics that were often openly discussed around me as a kid—I found that the boundaries that existed in other families simply did not exist in mine. So when my dad started talking to me openly about his past sexual encounters, it felt fairly normal. When he told me he was cheating on his current girlfriend, I was not bothered by it. I was 19, and my mother had always spoken to me like an adult. I felt he was speaking to me the same way. I felt included in his club, and I was flattered. I turned my daughter's innocent vagina washes into masturbation and her enemas into dildo training. All without my wife suspecting anything.

I sometimes wish that my parents did make a big deal out of it. I wish my relatives knew what a creep grandfather was.He perched on the edge of her bed and crossed his arms in his lap. "And what story would my princess like to hear," he asked his accent a shadow of the past.

Mostly my weight and the fact that I wasn’t pretty enough. But when my dad and I started dating I became more confident, and it’s funny how much more attractive that makes you feel.That’s what I said! I’d heard that it would hurt so I was expecting pain, but we were both so careful with each other. I think it was also a good experience because most guys my age are only interested in having sex with you. I could tell that wasn’t the case with him. I’m planning on a full-on wedding but it won’t be legally registered. And personally, I don’t believe you need a piece of paper to prove that you want to be with the person you love. When you get married, you are signing part of yourself over to somebody. We’ll tell everybody that we got our marriage license, but they don’t have to see it. One of our friends will act as the celebrant. Yesterday, the man pleaded guilty to outraging his daughter's modesty by using "criminal force". He will be sentenced later. I’d wonder where he was, what he was doing. Why haven’t I seen him or heard from him? What did my mom do? What did he do? What did I do? My abandonment issues really hit when I was a teenager. My mom and my stepfather took a break because they were fighting so much and I cried the entire time he was gone. I missed him, which was weird because we didn’t have much of a relationship. I asked myself, Why am I crying over someone I’m not even close to?

In their defence, they couldn’t have prevented it. Not before it happened anyway. They couldn’t have known that they shouldn’t leave me alone downstairs while they chatted happily just several metres away. They couldn’t have known that they should have told me from a young age to “scream for help and run if someone touches you here or here“. And for that, I’ve never blamed them. Sleeping in new places makes me very anxious so I asked him to stay with me in case I had one of the terrible nightmares I usually experience. The second night I had him sleep on the couch again and then the third night I fell asleep with him on the floor lying on his chest, in his arms. The fourth night rolled around and we ended up on the floor again. This time we actually cuddled. When he woke up, we were spooning. I didn’t know this at the time but later, after we admitted our feelings, he told me he had had “morning wood” and had gone to fix it. That’s not the case for my grandfather. Although I listened to my parents and avoided him, it was out of obedience and ignorance. Not because I actually understood why I should. And when I finally did many years later, I hated him for it. Which is a difficult task to do even after all these years. I don’t think we do — people really just take us as boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess we have similar bone structures. But he’s dyed his hair and he looks young for his age, so most people think he’s in his 20s.

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She found out when she heard us making love. I guess we didn’t realize how thin the bedroom floor was. She really didn’t mind. Now we’re like a little family. She calls me her daughter.

We chitchatted online for a few days and found out we were similar. We shared the same favorite TV shows — The Simpsons and The Big Bang Theory — and we both love to draw. He came to see me about a week later. You wouldn’t have believed we hadn’t been around each other for 12 years. The idea of “getting to know him” seemed strange because we are so much alike. He came and hung out all day and then I asked to come spend a week with him — he lived in a small town about 30 minutes away. I think my mom knew I was going to move out and it really was getting to the point where I needed to escape, she was so controlling. You like it, eh?" Her father bestowed on her his secret smile. In truth it was more of a smirk. Right lip raised slightly to expose an endearing dimple beneath his moustache, his cupid's bow lips pursed so it looked like he was pouting. "I forget you are fierce, like she was." I can’t remember when I realised the disturbing intentions of his action. Maybe it was when I discovered porn by accident. Maybe it was when I studied Chapter 4 of Science in Form 3. Maybe it was during “girl talk” with my guy friends in school.

I never once asked them, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” Maybe I wasn’t quite an inquisitive child. I knew there was a hole somewhere in my nether regions but I thought it was just for peeing. I can go to him with anything and he will listen to me and give me good advice. He helps me fix problems. I love everything about him, but the extreme closeness and the special bond is what I really cherish — most people don’t have that. Right from the start we were comfortable being so open and close because we are so similar. I’ve never felt this close to anyone.