Straight Jacket: Overcoming Society's Legacy of Gay Shame

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On the one hand, it expertly explains the origins of the problems so many queer people face - how society treats us and the defence mechanisms we develop to cope with them. And, being aware of these issues so succinctly is always going to be useful to overcoming them. This was a strange book. Not strange as in weird, but strange in that it presents itself as one thing while it is, in reality, something quite different. Billed as ‘part memoir, part ground-breaking polemic, it looks beneath the shiny facade of contemporary gay culture and asks if gay people are as happy as they could be’. The description continues: This is not to take away from the place of love it no doubt comes from, but I personally preferred when he was flexing his journalist muscles and telling me about real life people, showing with proof and stats how a certain type of upbringing can lead to a certain type of problem etc, I just wish he stayed with that rather than veering off course with far too much addiction and recovery information.

This powerful book, I believe, will save lives. I’d like to see every gay man read this. Juno Dawson, The Guardian This book is predominantly aimed at gay men, written as it is by a gay man drawing upon his own experiences. However, I don't think queer people should feel excluded from this. "Society's legacy of gay shame" could just as easily read "Society's legacy of queer shame" and therefore in this way, "gay" should be seen as the umbrella term. On the other hand, it essentially reads like a list of reasons that being gay is difficult. It's not an uplifting book, and I was hoping it would be. I was hoping there might be some tips and advice about living as your true self etc. Instead, what we get is a small section towards the end aimed at helping people with serious addictions. It's useful for them, and might save lives, but doesn't really ever go much broader than that. In fact, it sort of feels like a lot of this book was catharsis for its author, written primarily about his own experiences (there's nothing wrong with that) and his own views on how to overcome the immense difficulties he's faced - but it's another thing when you're then proclaiming that this is the way to overcome 'Gay Shame'. It really didn't do that. A really brilliant and moving read for everybody, especially LGBTQI+ people' - Olly Alexander, star of It's A Sin These kinds of unfounded leaps are peppered throughout the book. Rather than adding a sheen of authority to Todd’s words, for me these kinds of assertions made me question whether I should continue reading the book at all.

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As somebody who has fortunately never experienced a harmful addiction, I couldn't relate to most of this book and didn't find it particularly helpful. There are a lot of very dark, grim stories which might terrify some people, even in an unhelpful way. I can't help but feel that when Todd were writing this book, further research and input from people with different experiences should have been included. If this book is targeted only at cis gay men, then other cis gay men should have been consulted (not just anecdotally) on their own experiences of growing up gay and how this has affected them in later life. But I also think this book should have been even longer, more comprehensive, and equally (and not, as is the case, just in passing) included voices from other queer people, especially women and trans people, who really barely get a mention. I think that's a mistake. This book could easily have had a broader reach discussing queer shame in its entirety. That's not to belittle the good that I'm sure this book has done, and it does have some good moments, especially some good political points towards the end. But it also has moments that felt entirely subjective, and some moments that annoyed me (such as the author saying 'I don't mean to sounds like I'm saying XYZ' and then basically just saying XYZ anyway, a number of times). Matthew Todd is one of the UK's leading gay writers. He was the editor of the UK's bestselling gay magazine, Attitude, between 2008 and 2016 where he won three British Society of Magazine Editors Editor of the Year Awards, a Stonewall Journalist of the Year Award and was given the Freedom of the City of London. Prince William made history by sitting for the cover of Matthew's final issue as editor. How to Be Gay & Happy’ does make for necessary, if rather relentlessly sober, reading. But the ‘happy’ bit, which attracted me to read this initially, is a kind of tag-on at the end, as if Matthew Todd realised he either had to change his title, or fob off his readers. While I think Matthew does a good job of describing some underlying problems and issues that a lot of LGBTQ+ people have due to being in the closet and being ashamed for a lot of our lives, he then seems to lose his way a bit when delving into more detailed information about addiction and recovery.

He continues this bizarre polemic when he derides fantasy as being ‘often the first way we disassociate from the world around us’. After this, he tries to explain why the fandoms of shows like Doctor Who are predominantly gay: If only this had been written twenty years ago I can only imagine the lives that could have been saved sooner. This is a hugely important book for everyone. It's changed the way I see myself, other people and the world. Paris Lees, author and British Vogue Contributing Editor Todd is a former editor of Attitude, the UK’s best-selling gay magazine. In this book, he faces head-on the reality of a major problem within the LGBT community: ‘Despite more LGBT people than ever before, thank goodness, leading happy, successful lives, it is becoming increasingly clear that a disproportionate number of us are not thriving as we should’ (p.9). I recommend it to everyone I meet. I've bought 15 copies to give to people. In my opinion it should be on every teacher's reading list. Whoever you are - especially if you are straight - go and buy it now. It could help change your life and the world around you. Rankin (Photographer & Director) Russell believes the escapism narrative put forward to explain science fiction’s appeal to gay people is negative because it implies terror. He believes instead that it is attractive because gay people are freer, happier, more able to accept colour and campness – but I don’t agree. In our teenage years we are desperate for connection but we know that it is too dangerous. I think we are drawn to Doctor Who precisely because he is a stoic loner, emotionally detached and literally leaves before anyone gets close enough for him to have to face his emotions.Of course Todd doesn’t agree: it doesn’t fit the narrative he was trying to push that LGBT people latch on to things like this just to escape. They couldn’t possibly like these things for another, more positive reason, right? Again, I think he imagines his own experiences and reactions as being somehow universal.

A sincere and heartfelt cry to the gay community to come out of denial about the impact of childhood pains on our lives today. Simply put: there was nothing of real substance here. It was just a series of sentiments in big letters stating things like ‘A revolution is needed in the professional understanding of the mental-health implications of growing up LGBT’, followed by a paragraph or two of vague, hand-wavy ideas to make this a reality. Despite the subtitle 'How to be Gay and Happy', this isn't very happy reading. It's more about the psychological damage being LGBT in today's society does to you. Although I really don't want to say anything bad about this book because it clearly is very necessary and has had a positive impact on some of those who read it, I did find it a bit repetitive, anecdotal and clunky in parts. I would also have loved more focus on the 'happy' bit, which Todd does do in a few chapters at the end - I found the one on how society could be better improved to help LGBT people particularly fascinating, and worthy of a book by itself! One of the best books we have ever read. Honest, thought provoking and much needed. Q Scene magazine I guess this book reminded me that in an ideal world this wouldn't be an issue. Meanwhile I'm trying to navigate the realities of living in the actual world. It's true that in Norway the culture is accepting of gay people, because of their almost aggressive assertion of equality amongst all peoples—but the Turkish guys had only been here two months, turned out. I've been here eight years and I still don't know the language, so just how rapidly can you expect people to adapt to new cultures? (Googled LGBT in Turkey: it gets a yike from me.)

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Todd outlines this understanding in three parts: part one explores the roots of LGBT shame, part two the unhealthy ways that LGBT people seek to escape the pain of this shame, and part three the road to recovery. In each part, Todd draws on his own experience, stories of those he knows, and interviews with various experts and practitioners. Can we push the debate beyond that pass-the-joint thought experiment where the world is gay and therefore humanity comes to an end? Like, gay people know how reproduction works, you know. We could make more people if we felt like it? Who knows how we got in this situation where everyone is gay, because it’s not a phenomenon that seems to naturally occur beyond like 5-10% of the population, but as soon as we started having kids again, they’d more likely than not be straight, no? Setting aside how many philosophers have made the powerful argument that consciousness is a mistake anyway and we should let ourselves die out, you know? Why is making kids so great? My point is: I am RSVPing "No" to your baby shower :P Alongside these, we should respond with care. Care is compassion put into action. Christians shouldn’t stand outside the LGBT community and look down on them in judgment. Rather, we should seek to step into that community and offer help, love, and care to those who are struggling. Sadly, Christians have often been part of the problem. Todd speaks very negatively of religion, and it is true that we have historically been among those who have told LGBT people that they are disgusting or degenerate. We have been part of the problem; now it’s time for us to be part of the solution. We have been part of the problem; now it’s time for us to be part of the solution. This book is one that everyone should read regardless of sexuality and identity, don't even think about it: just buy it and read it. If you're LGBTQ+ read it! If you have an LGBTQ+ friend or family member read it! If you just care about other people read it. If you are in the privileged position of nurturing children and young adults then please please please read it! My instinct is that childhood trauma leads to over-stimulation of the fight or flight reaction and hyper-vigilance, which in turn affects the child’s developing limbic system, leaving it and the child permanently more oversensitive and easily overwhelmed. I have no scientific proof of this. Smallwood may well be right that some are naturally more sensitive from birth. It’s just my instinct, drawn from my own experience.